Homemade Apple Butter

You'd be surprised, just how many people think Apple Butter has actual Butter in it. I suppose it would be more legitimately named, if it were referred to as Apple Compote, or Apple Spread, even Apple Jam. Butter. As in Peanut Butter, get it?  Actually, this cooking method, (with just a tweak or two), works on any fruit. But apples more than any other, benefit most from the slooooooooow crock pot percolating approach. 

I saw a rare display of "Tennessee" apples at the Market last week. Living in California, I only come across these beauties once, maybe twice a year. Last year, I tried  them for the first time. Damn near as good as my favorite, Ambrosia's. This time...Not too good. The skins were like fucking leather, and the flesh, mushy. "What the Hell", I thought. Not a total loss, they'd make a nice butter...

I peeled, cored, and cut up enough apples to fill the ol' Betty Crocker Crock Pot we got as a Wedding gift so many years ago. I added two cinnamon sticks, a dash of nutmeg, half as much ground clove, a little water, (apple cider would have been better), and a cup of sugar. I'd have added less sugar if the apples would have been worth a shit.

  I covered, and cooked it on the Low setting overnight. The mixture was a bit watery, so I turned it on High, uncovered, until it thickened up. About another hour, or so.

The Apple Butter will stiffen up as it cools. It's great on Oatmeal, toast, and a million other things...

Enjoy

Enchilada Chili

   At the risk of sounding like a pretentious Douche-bag, I consider myself an Artist in the Kitchen. Chili, more than any other dish, allows me to exercise my Culinary dexterity. (yea, sounds pretentious, alright). I have made Chili hundreds of times. I'm certain, I've never made the same Chili twice. Different meats, poultry, seafood. Or just vegetables only. Various types of beans, or no beans at all. Limitless varieties of vegetables, chile's, herbs and spices. Fucking tofu, for crying out loud. Call me conceited, but all were pretty damn tasty. I swear, one day I'm going to enter one of those Bullshit Chili Cook-offs, and drop a culinary elbow on those Old Timers who call themselves Chili Experts. One...Two...Three, a clean count in the middle of the ring. Oooh Yeeeaaa, Dig it! For, I am The Macho Man of the Chili Pot!  (sorry, an old WWF flashback)...

   Anyway...Chili doesn't have to always be complicated, or time consuming. In fact, you can take a few shortcuts, and still create a twenty minute, after work weekday Masterpiece... 

On this particular night, I browned some lean ground beef. At the same time, I added some chopped onions, Anaheim Chile's, one Jalapeño, (and some zucchini with tomatoes I had in the fridge from the night before). That's one other great thing about making chili. It's a good way to use up leftovers...

Pour in a can of Supermarket Enchilada Sauce. Also, a drained can of beans and another of black olives. Taste it to decide if additional seasonings are needed. Heat it through... Maybe a bit of chopped cilantro, a dab of sour cream, and/or some grated cheese just before serving...

                                               Enjoy

Chicken Breast, Middle Eastern Style

 Yogurt Marinated Chicken Breast

 I must have cooked Chicken Breast at least a thousand fucking times. Baked, fried, boiled, sautéed, stir fried, BBQ. Chicken soups, stews, tacos, (not to mention a million other Latin dishes). In all types of  pastas, rice dishes, etc. etc. etc.

 (I know, I sound like Goddamn Bubba with his Shrimp Cookin' list).

My point is, I cooked a lot of  FUCKIN' chicken breasts, alright!?

 It wasn't until about a year ago, I finally started getting it right EVERY time. The line between a perfectly cooked juicy, succulent breast and a dried out shitty one, is pencil thin. Equally thin, is the line between a perfectly cooked juicy, succulent breast and one that is UNDERcooked. The difference is...an overcooked breast won't keep you on the fucking toilet all night long, pleading for The Grim Reaper to stop the agony (Anyone who has ever had Salmonella Poisoning, knows exactly what I'm takin' about)... 

 Tenderizing chicken breasts, makes that "thin line" between juicy and dry, a little wider. Ever wonder why Greek, and Middle Eastern Chicken is moist? Yogurt Marinade! Yogurt is a fantastic natural tenderizer. 

Here is my take, on Yogurt Marinated Chicken Breasts.

 To 4 large boneless skinless breast halves, I added 1 tbs. each of  Garam Masala, Turmeric, and Mild Curry Powders. Some fresh Ginger, Garlic, and a palm-full of Tarragon. (I'd have thrown in Mint too, but I did not have any). Salt and Pepper. (Now that I think of it, a few red chile flakes would have been nice). 

  To the mixture, I added a cup or so of Middle Eastern Yogurt. Greek Style is also fine. Any nice, thick Plain Yogurt will do. (Although, one with natural Peach or Mango might be pretty damn tasty, also).

(Jesus, now that I look at this picture, I'm again reminded of Lower Abdominal Torment)

 Cover and refrigerate it for at least a couple hours. (Did I fail to mention this recipe takes time)?  Then I placed the breasts on a foil lined, (strictly for easier clean up), cookie sheet, in a well heated 400 degree oven, (center rack), for half an hour. DO NOT be afraid to make a small slit in the thickest part, to check for done-ness. Don't worry. Despite what those "Experts" on the Food Network tell us, your meat will NOT bleed it's juices all over the kitchen if you don't let it rest before you make such a small cut.  Douche-bags! 

If it's a little pink inside, cook for another minute or two....

Enjoy   

   

Homemade Cranberry Sauce

If I were smart, I'd wait to post this before next Thanksgiving. I'm posting this the day AFTER Christmas, so, along with the most of  Humanity, I'm "Christmassed out".  As a younger Man, I'd be on a wobbly ladder about now, taking down strings of lights, (Even replacing the burned out ones), and neatly bundling them for display next year.  But at my more "mature" age, I'm blogging a recipe for fucking Cranberry Sauce. (Note to self: Have Dr. check Testosterone levels)...
Nothing, I mean NOTHING is easier and more fool-proof than making your own cranberry sauce. Why people still buy that crap in the can is one of life's great mysteries. (except for origins of life, the pyramids, ya' know, that kind of shit). I know... I learned to use the canned sauce from watching my Mother use it. Women in the 50's and 60's were brainwashed into thinking it was more convenient. (Ahh, "convenience". The marketing tool that led to such wonderful inventions as T.V. dinners, tater tots, and  masturbation). Anyway...

Here's my Cranberry Sauce Recipe... 

 Add one cup of sugar and one cup of water per bag of cranberries. 

THAT'S IT!!

I like to grate in some orange rind as well. If you want...You can toss in a few raisins, a cinnamon stick, maybe a can of drained Mandarin oranges, ya' know...your own touches. 

Stir it, and boil on medium high for 15 minutes or so until it looks like...

This...

Let it cool. Then refrigerate.

Put it in a serving dish, and let the compliments begin.

Fuck you, Ocean Spray. Let some other Loser eat this shit!!

Tuna Fajitas

The word "Fajita" is a form of the word "faja", which means "girdle". I suppose because a flank steak, (most commonly used in making beef fajitas), resembles a girdle. Which is what you'll need if you eat too many fucking beef fajitas.
Enter the chicken fajita.  While as delectable as it's beef Hermano, (especially when served with my Tomatillo sauce), (See my "What The Hell Do Mexicans Do With Tomatillos" recipe), It's usually made with thighs, which everyone knows, are pretty fatty. Why do I mention this? I don't fuckin' know. This is not a nutrition blog. However, if you want a "healthier", (who know, with the healthier bullshit. Tuna is loaded with fuckin' Murcury and God knows what else), yet equally tasty version, try my Tuna Fajitas. Did I mention this one is cheap as hell? Well it is. And can't get any easier...

 First, I thinly sliced one medium sized onion, (any kind will do), and three Anaheim Chiles, (relatively mild heat), and cooked them in a little olive oil, over med. high, for about five minutes, or until softened a bit. Then I added some tomatoes, (I had some grape tomatoes, but any type will be fine), and cooked about five more minutes, until it looked like ...

This...

At which point, I threw in three well drained cans of Tuna, (Yea, you fuckin' heard me, CANNED Tuna. You can go to the Fish Market, and take out a loan, for some 8.00 per pound fresh Ahi, and fire up the grill, if you want. But not This Guy. Not today, anyway).  (Although, that would taste way better than this shit), and some Medium, or Hot Salsa. Naturally, homemade Salsa is best, (I'll post the "World's Best" recipe soon),  but your favorite kind in the jar will be fine. Heat through, and add some freshly chopped cilantro, (coriander) just before serving... This makes enough for 15 or 20 tacos. You can adjust the amounts, of course, to suit your needs...

Enjoy

   

World's Fastest Guacamole

Scoop

Add

 Squeeze

Mash

Enjoy

Cheesy Smashed Potatoes

This one's deliciously gratifying, and easy as pie. (What a stupid saying. Pie's a bitch to make). It's easy as buying a Marie Calendar's pie, OK? 

I used about 2 pounds or more of small white potatoes. Since I'm leaving the skins on, it's best to use a thin skinned variety like these, or red potatoes. Every Supermarket has them.

Question: Do I have to wash potatoes?

                                      Answer: They grow Under the fuckin' ground,  Steven Hawking!

Boil them until a fork can penetrate one with little resistance. (20 mins. maybe).

Drain the water, and throw in a 16 oz. container of low fat sour cream. Also salt and pepper. At this point, (if you are so inclined), you can add some garlic powder, chile powder, whatever...

 

Smashed the shit out of it with potato masher, Topped it with a few chopped green onion tops, and some low fat extra sharp white Cheddar. Yes, any cheese you like will work. I put it in the oven (350 degrees) for a couple minutes, until the cheese melted ...

Tossed on a few more onion tops, There ya' go. Really really tasty. I mean...come on, you can take this to any Holiday gathering and get lots of compliments.  Looks very impressive too. (despite the shitty low-meg camera of mine)

enjoy